"Urgent Call"

TWO FRIENDS HAVING CONVERSATION. ONE FRIEND GETS A PHONE CALL.

FRIEND 1: Uh, huh. Yep. Ok, I'll be right there.

FRIEND 2: Who was that?

FRIEND 1 STARTS WALKING TOWARDS THE DOOR.

FRIEND 1: My bowel. I gotta poop.

Smartphones cause dingleberries.

If you're like me, the first thing you do when you sit down to empty your bowels is launch your Words With Friends App with your Smartphone. Or maybe you catch up on some email. It's also possible that you think it's disgusting to use your phone while you poop and you keep your phone hidden away as you enjoy your 5-10 minutes of quiet solace. Unlikely. Or maybe you're more like the person that pooped next to me today at work, and you play Need For Speed. Either way, it's evident that Smartphones are infiltrating our bathrooms and keeping us seated for unnecessary, extended periods of time. I'm almost embarrassed to be the guy sitting there, pooping and playing a Smartphone game, next to another man doing the same thing. Sure he's not trying to find what to do with an a-u-i-i-b-o and an x. But still. 10 minutes later, we're still there, playing our games. Even after we're done with our movements, we remain seated on the toilet, done pooping, not wiping, but still playing. I finally realize that I'm at work and I have more productive things to do like writing a blogspot about pooping while playing Words With Friends.

Getty in the Ghetto

Study: Garbage disposal healthier than average American

Article published on The Motor City Malcontent.

iPhone 4G and Droid X equally effective in ignoring friends and family

Article published on The Motor City Malcontent.

Local woman with food stuck in teeth bonds with dog.

Article published on The Motor City Malcontent.

Self-Righteousness from Birmingham spreads to surrounding cities

Article published on The Motor City Malcontent.

A carpenter helps me with some house work. (Jesus)

In my effort to unclog the bathtub drain with a 10 foot long metal snake looking thing, I clogged up the drain even more. So I stopped and prayed, "God please help me with this situation and let me be at peace." Suddenly, I found myself staring at the drain switch. So I undid the drain switch. Viola! This was God telling me, "I gave you the Holy Spirit, but I also gave you a brain." Oh, and I broke the plunger.

Homeless man’s shirt stolen by local hipster

Article published on The Motor City Malcontent.

Stupid book about patience needs to get to the point.

Senator on CSPAN triggers world wide yawn epidemic.

Study: Time has come to stop playing Carlos Santana’s “Smooth.”

Indian couple confused and disappointed after Indie concert.

Fire truck siren ruins couple’s perfect date.

Wedding announcement ends up in the obituary section.

Man bombs audition studio after being refused terrorist role.

My dear oh dear Meat Loaf leftovers...

We've been together for over a week and I would not trade this time with any other meat medley. The lunches. The dinners. The mouth fulls of deliciousness. I will never forget them. But it's time for us to part. Off you go to the freezer. Meat Loaf, come on. Please don't cry. We will be together soon. i promise. I love you.

Love,

Luke

Auto-Tune wins a Grammy.

Two people claim one “hello.”

New coffee shop offers Internet Free environment.

Man reaches higher consciousness after blowing up Lady Bug Floatie.

Book entitled, “New York Times Best Seller” becomes New York Times Best Seller.

Man can’t concentrate on article about benefits of multitasking.

Study: Signing something important is good for ego.

British man’s accent taken away after doing something stupid.

Man with a piece of chicken in his teeth bonds with dog.

Shinoooonaaaaah!

Hope for the Homeless Icon Concept

Hope for the Homeless is a Christian based organization I’m designing to function much like Big Brothers Big Sisters. The goal would be to pair homeless individuals with regular people that could help them with their daily struggles. If you’re interested to learn more or want to be involved, please contact me. momisntproud@gmail.com

Posted via email from momisntproud's posterous

Rap industry mourns as Da Club shuts down.

Unattractive American Eagle employee stationed in clearance section.

Golfer and tennis player argue who’s whiter.

New theme park, Ghetto-Way big hit with suburban white teens.

Match.com launches new dating site for single socks.

New Ecstasy pill, “Pandora” big hit at Raves.

New Ecstasy pill, “Pandora” big hit at Raves.

Member of metal band converts head banging to wind energy.

Bar is caught on fire due to bar being caught on fire.

Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms issues cease and desist of fun.

Study: 25% of American babies now made in China.

Local weather man has trouble making small talk.

Man trusts stranger with laptop at coffee shop to prevent stranger from stealing his laptop.

Man is stoned for killing two birds.

Toyota. Moving Foreward.

BP recyclable fuel puts itself out of business.

Fat cells attributed to McDonalds reaches a record 98 Cellulosillion.

Study: Admitting you’re annoying is the first step to becoming funny.

Jehovah’s Witnesses team up with Girl Scouts.

Sour Cream container doesn’t know who he is anymore.

Mystery of band aids on old people’s heads continues.

Should I buy some Sour Patch Kids or help some kid with diabetes? Hmm…

When a CVS cashier asks you, “Would you like to donate a dollar to help a child with Diabetes?” and you don’t want to, you are put in a very tough situation. It’s awkward enough that you’re buying a strange combination of tampons, pads, acne cream, sour cream and Sour Patch Kids. But on top of that, now you’re denying a poor little unknown low blood sugar baby of a dollar. And a long line of people behind you watch in disgust.

My advice is to say the following, “No, I don’t want to donate a dollar. Because I don’t care about helping children. And even if I did, I am too selfish to give one measly dollar. I’d rather spend it on an extra pack of Sour Patch Kids. Here. Add it to my bill.

And you know what? Add 10 more packs. I think later I’ll give it to some children. And I hope they all get Diabetes. Which is okay, because cashiers like you will force people to fork over their hard earned dollars from their guilt ridden hands and those insulin injecting free loaders will still have a chance.”

My point is, if you want to deny a diabetic child of help, you shouldn’t have to feel bad about it. So ignore this link http://www.diabetes.org and go on with your life. You soulless piece of crap.

Man will only check his email one last time, he promises.

Good joke lost forever due to bad delivery.

Study: “Vagina” spoken quieter than “Penis.”

Weather man watches the Weather Channel and gets bored with himself.

Man thanks his bowel for letting him take a break from work.

Man cannot locate GPS.

Actress finally makes it to primetime as dead body on CSI.

Americans collectively gain 5,000,000 lbs. watching "The Biggest Loser."

New Book about technology outdated the day it’s published.

Automated voice message system lady sick of verbal abuse.

Lonely wife goes to Brookstone for a massage.

Shelf Stocker at Target learns Spanish from packaging.

How to properly avoid an environmentalist.

When environmentalists ask you, "Do you have one minute to help the environment?" Say "Yes I do." Then keep walking. That way, you don't lie and you make them feel stupid for a change.

Michael Bay supports Big Bang Theory.

Study: Eggs get longer prayer time than bagels.

My Top 10 Status Updates of 2009

1. New social networking tool allows you to do everything in isolation.

2. Man stuck in elevator with someone he said goodbye to 15 seconds prior.

3. T.I. shot during filming of “Shoot dat Nigga” music video.

4. Woman says, “hello.” Man responds, “good.”

5. Study: No one says “To-mah-to.”

6. American Survey concludes best Chinese food is Thai.

7. Overweight man recognizes his lower half in a CNN report about obesity.

8. Urban Outfitters sells one-millionth unique hat

9. Two men stuck in a public restroom waiting for the other one to start bowel movement.

10. Local coffee shop voted as the #1 place for almost meeting people

WARNING: This post is Rated R as in "Religious."

I’ve heard about visions. Mainly from my Polish Catholic mom who’s told me millions of stories about them. Visions of the Virgin Mary. Visions of the Pope. Visions of the Saints. Visions of the Virgin Mary, the Pope and the Saints having a latté at Starbucks. But me, personally? I’ve never had one. At least not until about a week ago.

Now, I consider myself a pretty strong Christian. I feel that God has answered my prayers. There have even been times where I felt God was saying something to me. But a vision? Come on.

But this one particular night as I sat in my chair praying, with some Christian song playing something about “hope” (I should’ve probably written down the song’s name. Oh well), out of nowhere, I got a flash of Jesus’s broken face wearing a crown of thorns.

My reaction was probably much like yours. “Umm, what?” which was immediately followed by me crying like a baby. I didn’t really know why I was seeing this. “What could this mean?” I was overwhelmed, sniffling with happiness that God, the Creator of the universe was communicating with little ol me. But this did kinda freak me out so I opened my eyes and blinked a couple times. But as I closed them again, the vision was still there. It was as if it lingered there on purpose. I had no idea what it meant. I asked God to tell me what it meant, but I was too impatient to wait for an answer. So I did the next best thing and took the logical approach and frantically searched my brain for an answer.

“What could this mean? There must be a reason why I just saw Christ’s suffering face. The first thing I thought of was that He understood what I was going through. Oh, by the way, I should’ve probably mentioned that the few days prior to this were especially depressing. So I couldn’t help but think that I was seeing this because Jesus knew how I felt. And upon that realization, I cried some more.

That is until my left brain kicked in. “Luke, what if this WASN’T a vision? What if you imagined it randomly, just like you imagine all the other weird crazy visions that just ‘pop’ into your head? Like that vision you had of a hippo and a goat sharing a latté at Starbucks.”

So I answered back. “Hey Left Brain! I’m tryin to have a moment here!” Man, nothing like logic to swoop in with a major spiritual buzz kill. But hey, why not entertain my logical half a little. I figured it’s the least I can do. It did get me through Physics class. With a C. So I humored Lefty a little.

A: Let’s say that this truly was a vision and let’s say that I believe that. Okay, so this will probably make me a stronger Christian and even touch a few lives through my story.

B: But maybe this was not a vision. But what if I still believe that it was? Well, I’ll probably still become a stronger Christian and still touch a few lives through my story. Hmm. Now, assuming there is a God, and the result of me thinking I experienced a vision brings me closer to God, wouldn’t it still be from God, and therefore a vision? Or at least something that happened for a reason? Hmm.

C: Ah, option C. This is where I just ignore the “vision” and equate it to the same significance of a hippo/goat/latté situation and simply go on with my life like it never happened. But I guess that’s the whole point of all this rambling.

We all experience things in our lives that can be interpreted to be either “divine intervention,” or “coincidence.” Every time something like that happens, we make a conscious decision whether to believe it or not. In my case, I have chosen to believe that it was a vision.

So maybe there’s a reason why I saw what I saw, or I thought I saw what I saw, and wrote it down and posted it. And maybe there’s a reason why you’re reading this. Maybe you’re supposed to know about Jesus, or maybe you’re supposed to pick up a Bible and read about Him. Or maybe you’re supposed to tell someone you read this. Or maybe you’re supposed to respond to this post with a clever rebuttal that mentions an option “D,” which involves no God and something about useless humans wasting time blogging. Then maybe I’m supposed to reply to that with option E, which really makes you think, which was the whole point of all of this.

I honestly don’t know. But if you feel like this is speaking to you, don’t ignore it. Try and believe it. You may be surprised what happens. Or as my good friend, Matt would say,

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.” (Mathew 7:7)

FYI – The Bible isn’t a bad place to start the seeking.

New York! Chicago! Los Angeles! Detroit.

I am so sick of people saying that Detroit is a deteriorating city with no creative opportunities. Do you know how many buildings I pass everyday that have yet to be spray-painted? But I didn’t come to Detroit to become a graffiti-spewing, gang-banging purse-snatching hooligan. I came here for a job. Yea, I know. Detroit. Of all places. Thank you, Man upstairs. To be honest, I never saw myself here. Before moving, I was a little terrified. I can’t rap like Eminem. I don’t have a bulletproof trailer like Kid Rock. I don’t have a grill. Will I get stabbed? Car jacked? Will I do the car jacking? Well it’s been about a year, and only a couple flesh wounds later, I couldn’t be happier. Funny because when I was on the job hunt, I saw myself in NYC, Chi-town or some other big city with a cool slang term. But I never thought I’d be in the “D.” But now that I’m here, I realize all the different things that make this such a unique city. So much culture, so much history, and from a creative stand point, I feel like here, I have a blank canvas. I really see myself leaving a mark here. (I just hope it won’t be from a puddle of pee when I get mugged). I can’t help but wonder what would’ve happened if I ended up in some other big city. If there’s anything I learned in school about advertising, it’s about positioning yourself strategically and not getting lost in the clutter. So the next time you hear any ignorant bad mouthing about Detroit, don’t think twice about it, especially if, actually sorry, gotta go. Driveby.

Antonio Banderas - The Sexiest Evil Genius Ever

Is it possible that Antonio Banderas took a job as that animated Bee spokesperson on those Nasonex commercials just so he could sell more of his cologne, Blue Seduction? I mean, think about it, more people use Nasonex, which leads to more cleared sinuses, which leads to more people enjoying the smell of his cologne. "Hmm, what are you wearing there? Oh, Blue Seduction, that smells great! Sure glad I just used Nasonex so I can smell this excellent seductive cologne. I think I'll buy some." YOU'RE EVIL ANTONIO! EVVVVVIIIIIL!

Ray Kroc. Alive in our arteries.

In the business world, Ray Kroc was a great leader. In fact, he still is. Even though he’s dead, he’s still leading us to heart disease.

The following excerpt from a New Yorker article about the “fattening of America” will explain why.

“Customers were purchasing a burger and perhaps a soft drink or a bag of fries, (from McDonalds) and then leaving. How could they be persuaded to buy more? Wallerstein’s suggestion—a bigger bag of fries—was greeted skeptically by the company’s founder, Ray Kroc. Kroc pointed out that if people wanted more fries they could always order a second bag. “But Ray,” Wallerstein is reputed to have said, “they don’t want to eat two bags—they don’t want to look like a glutton.” Eventually, Kroc let himself be convinced; the rest, as they say, is supersizing.”

And now here’s a famous quote by our hero-

“The quality of a leader is reflected in the standards they set for themselves.”
--Ray Kroc, member, Advertising Hall of Fame

Don’t become the next Ray Kroc. Be a responsible leader.

Full New Yorker Article- http://tinyurl.com/mvdhty