Smartphones cause dingleberries.

If you're like me, the first thing you do when you sit down to empty your bowels is launch your Words With Friends App with your Smartphone. Or maybe you catch up on some email. It's also possible that you think it's disgusting to use your phone while you poop and you keep your phone hidden away as you enjoy your 5-10 minutes of quiet solace. Unlikely. Or maybe you're more like the person that pooped next to me today at work, and you play Need For Speed. Either way, it's evident that Smartphones are infiltrating our bathrooms and keeping us seated for unnecessary, extended periods of time. I'm almost embarrassed to be the guy sitting there, pooping and playing a Smartphone game, next to another man doing the same thing. Sure he's not trying to find what to do with an a-u-i-i-b-o and an x. But still. 10 minutes later, we're still there, playing our games. Even after we're done with our movements, we remain seated on the toilet, done pooping, not wiping, but still playing. I finally realize that I'm at work and I have more productive things to do like writing a blogspot about pooping while playing Words With Friends.

Getty in the Ghetto

Study: Garbage disposal healthier than average American

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iPhone 4G and Droid X equally effective in ignoring friends and family

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Local woman with food stuck in teeth bonds with dog.

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Self-Righteousness from Birmingham spreads to surrounding cities

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A carpenter helps me with some house work. (Jesus)

In my effort to unclog the bathtub drain with a 10 foot long metal snake looking thing, I clogged up the drain even more. So I stopped and prayed, "God please help me with this situation and let me be at peace." Suddenly, I found myself staring at the drain switch. So I undid the drain switch. Viola! This was God telling me, "I gave you the Holy Spirit, but I also gave you a brain." Oh, and I broke the plunger.

Homeless man’s shirt stolen by local hipster

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Stupid book about patience needs to get to the point.

Senator on CSPAN triggers world wide yawn epidemic.

Study: Time has come to stop playing Carlos Santana’s “Smooth.”

Indian couple confused and disappointed after Indie concert.

Fire truck siren ruins couple’s perfect date.

Wedding announcement ends up in the obituary section.

Man bombs audition studio after being refused terrorist role.

My dear oh dear Meat Loaf leftovers...

We've been together for over a week and I would not trade this time with any other meat medley. The lunches. The dinners. The mouth fulls of deliciousness. I will never forget them. But it's time for us to part. Off you go to the freezer. Meat Loaf, come on. Please don't cry. We will be together soon. i promise. I love you.

Love,

Luke

Auto-Tune wins a Grammy.

Two people claim one “hello.”

New coffee shop offers Internet Free environment.

Man reaches higher consciousness after blowing up Lady Bug Floatie.