Good joke lost forever due to bad delivery.

Study: “Vagina” spoken quieter than “Penis.”

Weather man watches the Weather Channel and gets bored with himself.

Man thanks his bowel for letting him take a break from work.

Man cannot locate GPS.

Actress finally makes it to primetime as dead body on CSI.

Americans collectively gain 5,000,000 lbs. watching "The Biggest Loser."

New Book about technology outdated the day it’s published.

Automated voice message system lady sick of verbal abuse.

Lonely wife goes to Brookstone for a massage.

Shelf Stocker at Target learns Spanish from packaging.

How to properly avoid an environmentalist.

When environmentalists ask you, "Do you have one minute to help the environment?" Say "Yes I do." Then keep walking. That way, you don't lie and you make them feel stupid for a change.

Michael Bay supports Big Bang Theory.

Study: Eggs get longer prayer time than bagels.

My Top 10 Status Updates of 2009

1. New social networking tool allows you to do everything in isolation.

2. Man stuck in elevator with someone he said goodbye to 15 seconds prior.

3. T.I. shot during filming of “Shoot dat Nigga” music video.

4. Woman says, “hello.” Man responds, “good.”

5. Study: No one says “To-mah-to.”

6. American Survey concludes best Chinese food is Thai.

7. Overweight man recognizes his lower half in a CNN report about obesity.

8. Urban Outfitters sells one-millionth unique hat

9. Two men stuck in a public restroom waiting for the other one to start bowel movement.

10. Local coffee shop voted as the #1 place for almost meeting people